WIP amnesty
Feb. 2nd, 2006 09:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janne_dSounds like a good idea to me, so I'll be posting a link from this to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
wip_amnesty.
So here is my nearly-dead, totally unbetaed WIP (as opposed to the ones that still get added to), a dS effort that unfortunatley collided with a huge number of SGA bunnies moving at high speed and never really recovered. As will be clear(ish) there are several scenes missing from the middle of this and then I jump straight to the porn before coming to an abrupt halt! Oh well, maybe one day it will get an ending.
Fraser should have known better than to allow himself the luxury of hope. Indeed, he did know better. He had become something of an expert at protecting his heart in the last few years, or rather protecting his and others’, since one thing his initial experience with Victoria had proved was that he could hurt as much as be hurt.
Ray Vecchio, macho, Catholic and utterly heterosexual, had been a safe repository for his affections since it was always perfectly clear that his feelings for Fraser would never rise above the fraternal.
The hideous mess that resulted from Fraser’s ill-advised attempt to recapture the connection with Victoria, and perhaps reclaim their pain for joy, had simply confirmed that whatever his feelings, it was far better for all concerned that they not be let out. His attachment to Ray, which had always been on the cusp of slipping from intense friendship to a more romantic nature, had survived the experience but changed to a simpler emotion as Fraser had been so grateful that he still had the friendship thoughts of more had been completely forgotten.
Ray Kowalski, on the other hand, was the antithesis of safe. He had seemed aggressive and prickly on the first meeting but an endearingly vulnerable side had rapidly emerged and he was emotionally open in a way that could occasionally stun Fraser with its honesty. He had trusted Fraser with the intimacies of his life from the start and demanded that Fraser show the same trust in him. He had knocked down barriers with words, actions and, on one occasion, his fist. He stood too close, he paid attention to who Fraser really was, he touched him with affection and he had rampaged all the way into Fraser’s heart without Fraser realising until it was far too late.
Well, Fraser was paying the price for his lack of vigilance now because Ray was dating a young woman from the crime labs called Kate and was apparently very happy to be doing so. As Fraser could tell by the way that he hadn’t stopped talking about their date last night since getting into the car.
The bouncing was a pretty good clue too.
“Wow, Frase. That was a night. Possibly the night, the night when Ray Kowalski finally left Loserville and headed back up the road to Dating-town, where the shiny happy people live – “
Fraser had been bracing himself for this ever since witnessing Ray’s reaction to Luanne Russell; Ray was not the type of man who was content to be alone and his behaviour then had indicated that he was beginning to move on from his marriage and consider new possibilities. It had only been a matter of time until he found someone more worthy of his interest than Ms Russell, who Fraser had mistrusted from the start.
Not because he was jealous of Ray’s attention either, no matter what Diefenbaker would like to believe.
“ – isn’t Kate cool? I mean, she’s smart with the whole science thing, which you should dig, but she’s fun too. I can’t believe she said yes when I asked her dinner. She looked so good, she’s pretty normally, but last night she was smoking. She had this little dress, OK, and - ”
All right, he had been jealous. But that was a separate issue to his completely justifiable wariness of the woman, based on her behaviour and attitude and which had ultimately been proved correct since she was, in fact, a con artist.
Kate Manfred had no such skeletons in her closet however – and he had checked, quite thoroughly, ignoring a twinge of conscience at the misuse of his law enforcement privileges. She was exactly what she appeared to be, a bright, pretty woman who his partner found attractive and it was not her fault Fraser couldn’t bring himself to like her.
“ – and that’s a good sign isn’t it, when a woman gets all glammed up? Wait don’t answer that, I don’t want to know that in the Yukon women put ferns on their heads to look hot, or that lipstick has a ritual significance or whatever. In the land of the American way, it means she’s into me.”
He was just going to have to get used to Ray being in a relationship and not let his selfish desires cloud their friendship. And if that meant listening to Ray enthuse about how wonderful Kate was after each date, well, members of the RCMP were trained to endure hardship and he would be glad that Ray was happy.
He would.
“You think I should ask her out again tonight? Nah, that’s too soon, even I know that. But I could call her, right? Just to check in, chat a bit, see if she wants to go dancing sometime this week - she likes dancing too, isn’t that great? Fraser? Yo, Mountie-man! You in there?”
Ah, Ray had actually required an answer to that question and he was starting to fidget impatiently at Fraser’s continued silence.
“Yes Ray, that is good. I know how much you enjoy dancing and I’m glad that you and Miss Manfred are getting along so well.”
Ray grinned at him, apparently satisfied with this answer despite Fraser feeling like he’d forced it out through a layer of rock, and began talking about their current case, spinning theories and dubious commentaries on the people involved in his usual tangled manner. Fraser made himself relax and pay attention. This was how things were going to be from now on.
He was Ray’s friend, and that was all. He would stop wishing for more and he would not let his eyes wander anymore, no matter how Ray’s posture occasionally seemed to invite his gaze.
***
After a few weeks, it appeared he had been right about how things would go. Ray had initially been nervous and uncertain about how to act as he and Kate continued to date, but had gradually calmed down. Fraser had found his shyness rather sweet until he forcibly reminded himself that a platonic male friend wouldn’t think such things.
But aside from that lapse, it was enjoyable to watch Ray relax. Fraser was relieved to find that he could be glad Ray was smiling and happy even while he regretted not being the cause of Ray’s obvious high spirits. Though since Ray’s good mood meant that they were getting along better than ever before, Fraser felt the loss of his companionship outside of work even more keenly than he had expected to.
He had anticipated that Ray would be spending most of his leisure hours with Kate but after months of having Ray essentially all to himself it was difficult to adjust to being lonely once more.
Ray, with typical generosity and probably guessing that he was at a loose end, did usually insist on Fraser accompanying them on an outing about once a week – casual meals out or trips that somehow involved the outdoors mostly. Kate never seemed to mind his presence but Fraser felt like he was intruding. He couldn’t relax, partly because of that but mostly due to a worry that he would somehow give away his attraction to Ray and continuing jealousy of Kate.
Ray always appeared a little anxious himself when Fraser had joined them. It was obvious he wanted Kate and Fraser to get along and Fraser would usually find himself reassuring Ray afterwards that he did indeed find Kate to be a delightful woman.
It wasn’t even a lie; if she hadn’t been involved with Ray, Fraser probably would have liked her a great deal.
All in all, he much preferred the few times he and Ray had found time to do something on their own as they used to. Tonight for instance they were watching ice hockey while Ray drank beer and Diefenbaker made rude comments about various players’ stick control, and Fraser could almost forget that anything had changed.
Though he could have done without Ray’s newfound zeal for matchmaking.
“Cmon Fraser. Kate thinks you’d really like her friend. Says she’s really into conservation and anthro-whosit. Y’know, other cultures and all that stuff, you’d have a lot to talk about. Not that you ever have problems with talking buddy, but things in common are good.”
Ray leant forward, waving his bottle of beer for emphasis and making the case for the friend for the third time. It would have been annoying if it wasn’t for the concern and affection in Ray’s eyes. Instead it was merely a poignant reminder that what Fraser really needed to make him happy was completely out of his reach.
“Ray, I appreciate that you mean well, but I really don’t think it would be a good idea.”
“But why not Fraser?” Ray threw up his hands and jumped off the couch to pace. “I know you’re lonely, I know that, and it sucks. I know that cos I was lonely too, but I did something about it and you don’t ever even seem to try and I don’t get that. I know you liked that Morse chick and I know that didn’t work out so well, but there are other nice women out there. Hell, half the women in Chicago throw themselves at your feet on a daily basis, it’s not like it would be difficult for you to catch one every so often.”
It was too much to hope that Ray would let this go. Fraser was going to have to say something. He would just have to be careful not to give too much away.
“I know that most people think I’m rather naïve, Ray, but I am aware when someone “throws themself”, as you put it. If I’m honest, I find such forwardness off-putting. Since they know nothing about me, it implies a degree of casualness towards liaisons that I am uncomfortable with, and I much prefer to form relationships from a basis of friendship.”
Ray sat back down, facing towards him as he gave his hesitant answer. He frowned, rolling an empty bottle between his hands before pinning Fraser to his seat with a sharp look. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense for you, but it still doesn’t explain why you won’t give this girl a chance, Frase. You can’t form anything from being friends if you never go out and make friends with people, can you?”
Oh dear. Ray could be so stubborn. He was going to have to use a larger portion of the truth, hard as it was and trust that Ray would not interpret it correctly.
“No, you’re right,” he agreed. “But you see Ray, I don’t want to look for anyone to be with because I’m still in love with someone else.”
“Oh,” said Ray, surprised. He was quick to make connections as always though and surprise turned rapidly to comprehension and sympathy. “Oh. Yeah, I guess I heard about that. I mean, not that anyone was gossiping or anything. But I can see why you’d want to hold off on things for a bit after… and I’m going to shut up now.”
He reached out and squeezed Fraser’s shoulder once, hard, nodded his head and bounced out of his seat to get Fraser another mug of tea.
Fraser felt rather guilty about manipulating him that way, but it was far better than risking their friendship with the whole truth and he certainly welcomed the sympathy, however erroneous.
***
Something was up with Fraser. He was acting weird. Even for him, which was really saying something when you thought about it. He hadn’t told a badly timed Inuit story for ages, he was only half-heartedly snapping at Dief and most of the time he seemed somewhere really far away. Work was okay, he was still like the Einstein of detectives, but anything outside and he’d just stopped connecting.
It was making Ray feel eerily like just before he’d got his marching orders from Stella, and he hated it.
A’course, Fraser wouldn’t admit anything was up, oh no. Probably if a meteor landed on him and ripped both his fool Mountie legs off in their itchy pants, Fraser would still be insisting he was fine while he lay on the ground and bled to death.
Ray had tried to find out, subtly of course. Only that hadn’t worked – never was something he was really good at – so he asked flat out instead. And if he’d written down Fraser’s answer beforehand and used witnesses, he could have claimed to have ESP, because what did Frase say?
“I’m fine, Ray.”
Bingo! Ray, the Psychic Friends Network needs you.
Not that Ray left it like that. Nope, he’d prodded and pushed like any buddy would when their best friend and partner was moping about like someone had got permanent marker on his best dress tunic. And Fraser had stonewalled and played dumb and said he didn’t know what Ray was referring to until Ray was getting real tempted to give him something to seriously complain about, like a broken neck.
The last time Ray had tried to bring it up though, Fraser had given him the We Are Not Amused Look, which was similar enough to the We Are Pretending We’re Not Amused Look to have been confusing when Ray had first met him. Normally, Ray would have just kept going with whatever he’d found produced either Look until Frase either got sarcastic or had to stop pretending, but there was just enough of the You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry Look mixed in to make him back off this time. Making Fraser pissed at him wouldn’t solve anybody’s problem and would just make Ray unhappy instead.
Plus he was still feeling a bit bad about that confession he’d pushed out of the guy by trying to sort out his love life. He knew exactly how much it wasn’t fun to love someone who wasn’t there – physically, emotionally, whatever – and it was probably worse for Frase who didn’t let many people close in the first place and who really hated talking about how he felt.
It was round about then that he’d noticed Fraser was going all quiet on him. Ray’d thought for a bit that it was because of the heartbreak-thing, but that didn’t actually make sense since Ms-Unrepentant-Criminal had been making like a fugitive since long before they’d met and Fraser must be used to it by now.
Then he’d thought, wait, maybe it makes sense if it’s a new love and Fraser doesn’t think it’s requited, and been all smug that he’d cracked the code. Until he’d remembered that a) Frase had said “still in love” and b) he couldn’t imagine anyone not requiting Fraser (and after their chat Ray was fairly sure Fraser would actually have noticed), and that shot that little theory down.
Finally, Ray’d decided that it was probably just him being stupid and stirring up Fraser’s feelings and then rubbing it in by being all couple-y with Kate around him. He didn’t like that idea at all, no he didn’t want to be the person hurting Frase, but it seemed to fit the evidence all right. Maybe if he just stopped…
Whoa. Hold it right there, Kowalski. He had not just thought about breaking up with his sexy, fun girlfriend to make his best friend feel better. That was just dumb.
And it wouldn’t work anyway. You can’t put cats back into bags once they’re out, and Ray knew that for a fact because he’d tried it with his neighbour’s when he was a kid and he could still see the scars.
Kate was great. Kate was a Good Thing that had happened to him. What was he doing even thinking about letting that go for the teeniest, tiniest second? She was smart – not scary-smart like Stella and Fraser, but switched on and good at her job and all that, and she liked Ray. She’d gone to Catholic school too so she knew a lot of really dirty jokes about nuns and she had a wicked laugh. Wicked other things as well, and wasn’t it good to get that bounce back in his step again.
Didn’t feel so bouncy when he thought about Fraser being unhappy though. He’d just have to try and be more of a friend. Not really the same thing, he knew that, but at least he wouldn’t be worrying about Fraser brooding in the Consulate all on his own all the time.
Okay, that made Fraser sound like a Gothic hero (not that Ray knew about that, only Frannie had been going on about some reading club she was in) and that was stupid. The Consulate didn’t even have any gargoyles and he didn’t just hang about on Canadian soil, he went out to the library and concerts and stuff and he saw a lot of the other tenants from his burnt apartment block.
Only… Ray knew he usually went to the concerts alone, the library wasn’t exactly known for its party atmosphere and the ex-tenants treated him more like an agony aunt and mediation service than a friend.
He could make some more dates with the three of them hanging out, maybe.
Though he didn’t think any of them really had much fun when he did that. Noone was real chatty. Fraser was far too polite and he was fairly sure Kate was uncomfortable. She hadn’t complained exactly, or not much anyway, but she’d let on the other day that she found Fraser hard to talk to and when Ray had said that Frase got easier and that he was his best friend, she’d raised an eyebrow like she didn’t get why.
That kind of surprised Ray – normally people seemed to wonder why Fraser was friends with him, not the other way around – and it kind of pissed him off too because Frase was a great guy underneath all the Mountie stuff.
Things had got a bit strained on that date.
So he’d just have to find more time to do the stuff him and Fraser used to do after work. Be supportive. Hang out a bit more, no Kate or talking about her and reminding Fraser he was on his own.
And find a way to do that without neglecting Kate, either.
Oh yeah, should be a piece of cake, Kowalski.
***
When he was a little kid, Ray had been taken to a magic show and there had been this guy spinning plates and every time he got one going nice and smooth, one of the others would start wobbling so he spent all his time hopping up and down the line like a squirrel on speed.
Ray knew exactly how that guy must have felt. He hadn’t realised just how much time he had been spending with Fraser outside of work until he’d started trying to divide up his time between Frase and Kate. Turns out when he looked back, they’d eaten together practically every night and when they had days off they’d always seemed to find something to do then too.
Hell, he’d spent less time with Stella the last few years they were married and they’d lived together. Which explains why Ray had kept feeling like he was missing something when he’d first started seeing Kate, he was too used to the person he hung out with being Mountie-shaped.
Trying to get back to that would have impossible. Kate was great, but no girlfriend was going to react well to “Honey, do you mind if we see each other without actually seeing each other at all for a while?”
So he’d tried splitting things as evenly as he could; having dinner with Fraser and Kate on alternate days, spending his free mornings with Frase and Dief and his nights with Kate.
That didn’t really work out so well. It was pretty tiring and he had to keep thinking up reasonable explanations for Fraser for why he wasn’t with Kate instead of him so the guy wouldn’t think Ray was pitying him. It wasn’t really lying, but noone like thinking someone was sorry for them and he wasn’t anyway, just a bit concerned.
He’d had a bit of a bust up with Kate about it already, he didn’t want Frase mad at him too. When he’d called to ask her out the other night, she’d said, all sarcastic, “Why, is Fraser busy that night?” and when Ray had said he didn’t know, and what was that supposed to mean, she’d said something about Ray wanting to spend time with Fraser more than with her.
It had taken Ray over an hour, lots of flowers and some serious spade work to persuade her that he really did want to be with her.
He’d had to explain about Frase acting down too, which made him feel a bit guilty like he was giving up Fraser’s secrets, but if he hadn’t he’d probably never have convinced her that he was just worrying about his friend and not brushing her off.
She’d given him the weirdest look when he’d told her why he was worried, like she didn’t know whether to kiss him or whap him on the head.
“Ray, you’re a sweet guy. It’s one of the reasons I like you, but you have to live your own life, not Fraser’s,” she’d said.
Well he knew that. But that didn’t mean he had to desert the guy, did it?
Anyway, right now he was hanging with his buds, Frase and Dief, so Ray wasn’t going to have to work so hard tonight. Not unless Fraser was going to spring a pop test on the curling rules he’d spent five loooong minutes explaining while Ray totally zoned out with his beer.
Hmm. Fraser. Frase. Constable Fraser.
Why did noone ever use his first name? Not even him, and he was as close as anyone currently in the state. Maybe Vecchio had called him Benton, but Frannie sure didn’t so maybe not.
That was kind of weird. He wouldn’t like it if everyone called him Kowalski, but maybe Fraser preferred it. Or maybe noone had ever asked the guy and he was too polite to say, and some friend Ray was for not even thinking about it until now.
“Frase, how come noone ever uses your first name?”
So Ray’d never been tactful and it didn’t seem like he was going to start anytime soon. Fraser looked a bit taken aback but he didn’t sound offended at having the curling interrupted.
“I don’t know, Ray. I don’t think I’ve ever really considered the matter. My father and grandparents called me Benton, of course, but most people seem to prefer using Fraser and I have no particular objections.”
No particular objections. Huh. Sounded like that might translate into he didn’t like it much. Ray fiddled about with peeling the beer label off, trying to think what to say next until a thought occurred.
“Most people? I never heard anyone call you anything else.”
That got an uncomfortable look from Frase. “Ray, that is Ray Vecchio, used to call me Benny.”
Benny?
“But you’re nothing like a Benny,” Ray blurted. Benny’s were cute and puppyish and ten, not stubborn, sarcastic and independent like Frase. Benton suited him a lot better, but Ray wasn’t sure he’d ever be easy saying it, it was just so formal sounding. Like another surname or something.
Frase blinked at his outburst, but he also smiled slightly. “I have to confess that I never particularly felt like a Benny either, but obviously Ray thought the name fitted.”
“And you never said you didn’t like it? Nah, of course you didn’t.”
“It truly didn’t seem important. May I ask what brought this line of questioning on?”
Fraser – Benton – was watching him curiously now so Ray started tearing the beer label into tiny pieces so he could avoid those sharp blue eyes. Why was he suddenly going on about this?
“I dunno. It just seemed a bit weird that I was calling you Fraser or Frase all the time. I mean, you’re my best friend. And maybe you liked being called Fraser as much as I like people calling me Stanley and it just didn’t feel very friendly that I didn’t know.”
“Oh.”
Okay, now Ray felt like a total idiot. But when he sneaked a glance at Frase, he was smiling and he sounded pretty happy.
“I have actually always had a preference for Ben. My grandparents did not use shortened names, but I always liked it. If you wanted, you could use that instead.”
Ben. Greatness. One syllable, easier than Benton and definitely warmer than Fraser. He grinned at Frase… Ben. Have to remember to use it now.
“Cool, that’s cool. So, Ben, do you want more tea?”
“Yes, Ray, I’d like that very much,” Ben smiled back at him and Ray couldn’t resist ruffling his hair as he went past.
He wouldn’t have done that to Fraser, but with Ben it seemed as natural as breathing.
***
la, la la, missing section, what missing section?
***
“Yeah, that whole Victoria thing sounds like it was rough…hey wait a minute. You said she was the second person you’d loved?”
“Ah…” Oh dear. Fraser really should have paid more attention to what he was saying.
Ray had the strangest expression, hovering somewhere between annoyance and amusement. “You let me think you were still in love with her didn’t you, so I’d get off your back about Kate’s buddy. That was sneaky Frase, I didn’t know you had it in you. But I swear you were telling the truth when you said you were in love with someone…”
Ray was frankly staring at him now, puzzled and curious and to his horror, Fraser felt himself begin to flush. He should never have gone along with this conversation; Ray was far too perceptive and knew him much too well.
All at once Ray’s eyes went very wide, and Fraser decided that Mountie honour be damned, this was one confrontation he really wanted to run away from.
“Good Lord, is that the time? I really have to get back now, Ray. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He didn’t quite carry off the breezy tone he had aimed for, but he was on his feet and heading for the door, safety in reach until Ray caught his arm in a tight grip.
“Ben?” he said, soft and unsure.
Benton Fraser had done a lot of dangerous things, but turning to face Ray right then took more courage than anything before.
***
nothing to see here (literally), move it along now
***
It was weird how them dating hadn’t really seemed to change anything that much. They still got all the weirdest cases at work (Ben attracted the nuts like a magnet, just walking down the street they could end up in the middle of a freakshow), Ray still got told off for giving Dief donuts and they still spent most of their time arguing the toss over every little thing just for the fun of it.
Fraser called it discussing, but that’s cos he was Canadian. Ray figured calling it flirting would be more accurate, because now that they were together they usually ended whatever the argument was about by kissing and Ray was all over that.
When he looked back, it was pretty clear that it had always been flirting too, only he’d never realised so they’d never got to the kisses back then. Fraser should have clued him in a lot quicker; they could have been making out for months.
He supposed that was the real difference: a lot more smooching went on now.
Most nights, Ben would come back to the apartment, they’d get some food and walk Dief, and then they’d end up sprawled in a tangle across the couch getting jiggy with it, just like they were now.
It was really good too. Ben kissed like nobody else and he’d found all the hotspots on Ray’s neck and ears straight off – he could reduce Ray to a horny puddle in about five minutes now – but they were still just hanging around the bases and Ray was starting to pant for a home run.
Trouble was, Ben wasn’t cooperating. They’d make out and grope and wriggle about until they were both making some serious noise and Ray was about ready to go off like a rocket.
And then Ben would pull back.
They’d talk and kiss a bit more, but Ben would be cooling it down and then he’d have to leave and Ray would go to bed and jerk off alone.
He’d appreciated Ben’s restraint to start with, because, hello, Ray’d never done any of this with a man before and it was a little scary. He’d taken a little time to get used to the differences and Ben had given him that.
But there was such a thing as too much time. Ray hadn’t had balls this blue since he’d been in high school. It was time to push things a little and find out what was going on in his Mountie’s head.
***
Oh, this was delicious.
Fraser didn’t think he would ever be able to get enough of the way Ray felt under his hands and mouth. He responded so eagerly and made such delightful noises that it took all Fraser’s will power some nights to pull back.
But it was better that he did, better not to rush in too far and commit some irrevocable act before Ray was truly ready. It seemed like he had overcome his initial hesitancy but it was always possible that he would change his mind. After all, Ray was new to this and Fraser would just have to be strong and give him all the space he needed.
Taking a deep fortifying breath, Fraser pulled his hands from Ray’s hair and thigh, untangled Ray’s hands from trying to remove his shirt and sat up.
Ray reached up after him, but when Fraser caught his hands he slumped back, his face twisting in frustration. “C’mon Ben, are you trying to torture me to death? Why’d you stop?”
“I… we’re moving too fast. I’m sorry, Ray, I don’t want to push you. We should wait until you’re ready.”
“Ready? I’m ready, steady, go here, buddy. I’m so ready I’m about to poke a hole straight through my jeans, and wow, you’re looking pretty damn ready too there.”
Fraser swallowed hard as Ray’s eyes slid down his body to the obvious bulge in his own jeans, and forced himself to look away from Ray’s heated expression. This was the right thing to do, he had to remember that.
“Or maybe you’re not. Is that the problem here, Frase?” Fraser looked up to find Ray scrubbing both hands through his hair and frowning. “Cos I don’t get this. I’m good to go, you’re good to go but we’re not going anywhere except round in circles. I thought you wanted me.”
“I do, Ray, very much.” How could Ray possibly think otherwise?
Ray was glaring at him now, arms wrapped around himself protectively. “So what’s the hold up?”
“It’s too soon, that’s all. You need more time.”
“No. No, I don’t. I’m sure, Ben, but you aren’t, are you? You’re afraid we’re going to get all hot and heavy, or heavier, and then I’m going to wake up and be all “no, no, vile seducer, don’t forget your hat on the way out”, right?”
Well, that was just… frighteningly accurate. Fraser squirmed uneasily.
“Ah, well I’d hope very much that you wouldn’t.” He winced at the expression on Ray’s face, which managed to convey rather eloquently how little Ray was impressed with his answer.
“Hope’s not the same thing as belief, though, is it? For fuck’s sake Fraser…” By now Ray was on his feet and glaring down at him. “Look, I can’t make you trust me. You’ve got to make the leap yourself, and it doesn’t have to be right here right now, cos I can wait, but if you’re never going to do it then what are we even doing here?”
For once, Fraser found he had nothing to say. He simply sat with all the uncertainties he hadn’t even realised he’d had crowding into his throat and looked at his partner, seeing anger turn into a tired resignation before Ray dropped his head and scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Forget it,” he sighed, “it’s late and I’m going to hit the sack.” He leaned down and kissed Fraser, very gently. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” And then he was gone, the door to his bedroom closing quietly behind him.
***
“Ray, I’m sorry,” said Fraser. He sounded it too, he was all sorry-eyes and his voice was just a little gentler than normal.
Ray couldn’t listen to any more. He’d known this was coming and Fraser would try and drag it out, be all discursive when Ray just wanted to hide and put his guts back in to place. If he wanted a quick rip, Ray would have to do it himself.
He couldn’t look at Ben while he did it though, so he turned away to the window as he spoke, trying not to sound too upset and make it harder for Frase.
“Not your fault, Fraser. You don’t have to… I get it. We’ll just be friends again, it’s okay.”
Silence from the Mountie corner of the room. Ray couldn’t blame Fraser for not having anything to say to that, he didn’t believe they could go back to how it was either. He was just working up the nerve to turn round and try and convince them both it was better than losing everything when Fraser’s arms wrapped around him tightly from behind and he jumped in surprise.
“Fraser?”
“You misunderstand me, Ray” and given the way Ben was leaning into him, pulling him even closer so there was solid heat all down his back and he felt like he was wearing a coat of Fraser, maybe things weren’t that bad after all. “I was apologising for having become so habitually self-protective that I didn’t even realise what I was doing, not trying to break up with you.”
“Oh. Good.” Thank fuck. “So, we’re still…”
“While I am capable of as many mistakes in relationships as the next man, I would have to be irredeemably stupid to let you go now I’ve finally got you.”
That sounded pretty definite. And really amazingly good.
“So all that time I just spent worrying about how to be all sensitive and let you off the hook was totally wasted, huh?”
Ben’s laugh shook them both and Ray got a tight squeeze and a kiss just below his ear before Ben spoke again, sounding amused.
“Well I’m afraid so, Ray. But I do appreciate the effort.”
Ray grinned and tipped his head back so Ben could do more of that throat-nuzzling thing he’d started. Looked like everything was back on track.
***
Fraser let his hands linger at Ray’s belt and looked up, seeing a nervousness and anticipation equal to his own.
“Ray?” he asked, needing to know if Ray was still sure.
“Yeah, I’m good Ben. Keep going,” Ray said.
Slowly, Fraser unbuttoned, unzipped, and peeled Ray out of his last items of clothing. He managed the task purely by feel, unwilling to look away from Ray’s face and miss the way his eyes went unfocused and then closed as Fraser’s fingers brushed against hard, hot flesh when he undid the fly of Ray’s jeans, or the way Ray licked his lips and drew in a breath when Fraser’s hands slid into the sides of his boxers and pushed them down.
He guided Ray to step back out of the clothes and towards the bed. Ray’s eyes opened again as Fraser eased him down onto the mattress, Ray’s gaze following Fraser’s hands as he rapidly stripped himself.
Fraser felt a moment of trepidation at the rather stunned expression on Ray’s face as he looked at Fraser’s erection – if Ray were going to have second thoughts, being faced with the incontrovertible evidence of Fraser’s maleness would likely do it – but as soon as Fraser was close enough, Ray reached up and drew him into a passionate kiss and Fraser was soon unable to spare any concentration to worry about it.
Ray was a very good kisser and if he kept caressing Fraser’s back and chest like that, Fraser would not be answerable for the consequences.
He had thought quite carefully about how he wanted this to be. It would not be rushed and he would not lose control in the first five minutes of Ray touching him and ravish the man.
He pulled back, catching Ray’s shoulders to stop him from following, and simply sat and looked for a time. It seemed unreal that Ray should finally be here with him, naked and willing. He’d dreamed, he’d imagined this many times but finally being able to see showed all his dreams up as pale shadows.
He could have stared much longer without being satisfied, but Ray was flushing red and twisting away, hands twitching after the sheets.
“Jesus, Ben, stare much?”
He sounded calm but he wasn’t meeting Fraser’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Ray, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Nah, just y’know, I’m kind of out of my league here. I mean, you’re gorgeous like a movie star and I’m just a skinny guy, so I guess the contrast is worth a stare –“
Fraser kissed him before he could finish the sentence, deciding that was the most pleasurable way to stop Ray’s train of thought. If Ray truly didn’t realise how attractive he was, Fraser was simply going to have to convince him.
He broke off the kiss and nuzzled round to whisper in his ear, “Lovely, Ray, you’re lovely,” and when Ray gasped, he kissed him again, soft and slow and as tender as he could manage, trying to pour into it all his desire and devotion.
When the kiss ended, Ray was wrapped around him and sighing “Ben”, all discomfort apparently forgotten. Fraser seemed to feel Ray’s warm skin everywhere, the heat pooling between their bodies both soothing and exciting him.
***
Ben’s finger just pushed right on into him and, God, that felt so strange and it ached only it was good-ache and bad-ache at the same time so Ray didn’t know whether to pull away or push back and he ended up just panting into Ben’s neck and shaking. Ben kept on touching him, moving in and out and stroking and it was definitely more good-ache now and he was whimpering a little with it, wet from the lube and, fuck, feeling like he was opening up.
Ben’s other hand wrapped round his dick, just keeping him hot and Ray pushed into the loose grasp and back onto the finger, only it was two now and that was too much, too much. Right until Ben did something amazing and suddenly two were just perfect and more and again would be better, but he was down to just vowels now. And it seemed like his body had the same idea because without Ray even thinking it he could feel himself squeeze Ben’s fingers tight, trying to get them to that place again, and Ben’s deep groan got all mixed up with his own.
“Dear Lord, Ray, you’re so tight. I’m not…not hurting?”
The man actually sounded anxious underneath all the turned on. You’d think all the languages he spoke he wouldn’t have any trouble translating the moans as good, good, good. The deep breath Ray took forced another one out of him before he could get his tongue to work, “Nnnn. Not hurting. Good, really, really good. Do not ever stop that.”
Oh, yeah. Fingers moving again and Ben had the rhythm going now and it was just so good the way Ben licked and rubbed all over Ray’s neck, up and around his ear. “Ray, can I…” and Ray was nodding before he finished because he’d agree to anything right now, “…see? I want to be able to see.”
Oh holy God. Just like that, Ray knew what it must look like: Ben’s fingers sliding into him easily, so easy now and him pushing back into every touch. He went red-hot all over at just the thought but he’d already agreed and Ben had shifted them, moving round behind him and guiding Ray down onto the bed and he let Ben do it, let his legs spread wider and his ass lift up and he shook all over at the sounds Ben made when he did and Ben’s fingers sliding back in had him bucking up helplessly. It was hot, so hot and he was so close all his muscles were trembling with it and it was going to take about two more of those perfect touches before he exploded, one more touch and Ben’s other hand had found a way to wrap tight and wonderful around his dick again and Ray was making this weird yowling noise into the sheets as his bones tried to shake right out of his body and he came and came.
He’d barely collapsed onto the bed in a twitching sweaty puddle when he felt Ben moving over him, hard heat thrusting between his thighs in time to frantic groans. When he closed them a little, trying to make it better, Ben muffled a yell against the back of his neck and flattened Ray to the mattress and he could feel Ben’s come wet against his balls and if he hadn’t just come his own brains out he would have been getting revved up again from knowing he’d made Ben that turned on.
But since his dick was currently pretty much dead to the world, he’d settle for enjoying the afterglow and Ben’s warm panting weight all along his back.
And I'm done.
wip_amnesty.So here is my nearly-dead, totally unbetaed WIP (as opposed to the ones that still get added to), a dS effort that unfortunatley collided with a huge number of SGA bunnies moving at high speed and never really recovered. As will be clear(ish) there are several scenes missing from the middle of this and then I jump straight to the porn before coming to an abrupt halt! Oh well, maybe one day it will get an ending.
Fraser should have known better than to allow himself the luxury of hope. Indeed, he did know better. He had become something of an expert at protecting his heart in the last few years, or rather protecting his and others’, since one thing his initial experience with Victoria had proved was that he could hurt as much as be hurt.
Ray Vecchio, macho, Catholic and utterly heterosexual, had been a safe repository for his affections since it was always perfectly clear that his feelings for Fraser would never rise above the fraternal.
The hideous mess that resulted from Fraser’s ill-advised attempt to recapture the connection with Victoria, and perhaps reclaim their pain for joy, had simply confirmed that whatever his feelings, it was far better for all concerned that they not be let out. His attachment to Ray, which had always been on the cusp of slipping from intense friendship to a more romantic nature, had survived the experience but changed to a simpler emotion as Fraser had been so grateful that he still had the friendship thoughts of more had been completely forgotten.
Ray Kowalski, on the other hand, was the antithesis of safe. He had seemed aggressive and prickly on the first meeting but an endearingly vulnerable side had rapidly emerged and he was emotionally open in a way that could occasionally stun Fraser with its honesty. He had trusted Fraser with the intimacies of his life from the start and demanded that Fraser show the same trust in him. He had knocked down barriers with words, actions and, on one occasion, his fist. He stood too close, he paid attention to who Fraser really was, he touched him with affection and he had rampaged all the way into Fraser’s heart without Fraser realising until it was far too late.
Well, Fraser was paying the price for his lack of vigilance now because Ray was dating a young woman from the crime labs called Kate and was apparently very happy to be doing so. As Fraser could tell by the way that he hadn’t stopped talking about their date last night since getting into the car.
The bouncing was a pretty good clue too.
“Wow, Frase. That was a night. Possibly the night, the night when Ray Kowalski finally left Loserville and headed back up the road to Dating-town, where the shiny happy people live – “
Fraser had been bracing himself for this ever since witnessing Ray’s reaction to Luanne Russell; Ray was not the type of man who was content to be alone and his behaviour then had indicated that he was beginning to move on from his marriage and consider new possibilities. It had only been a matter of time until he found someone more worthy of his interest than Ms Russell, who Fraser had mistrusted from the start.
Not because he was jealous of Ray’s attention either, no matter what Diefenbaker would like to believe.
“ – isn’t Kate cool? I mean, she’s smart with the whole science thing, which you should dig, but she’s fun too. I can’t believe she said yes when I asked her dinner. She looked so good, she’s pretty normally, but last night she was smoking. She had this little dress, OK, and - ”
All right, he had been jealous. But that was a separate issue to his completely justifiable wariness of the woman, based on her behaviour and attitude and which had ultimately been proved correct since she was, in fact, a con artist.
Kate Manfred had no such skeletons in her closet however – and he had checked, quite thoroughly, ignoring a twinge of conscience at the misuse of his law enforcement privileges. She was exactly what she appeared to be, a bright, pretty woman who his partner found attractive and it was not her fault Fraser couldn’t bring himself to like her.
“ – and that’s a good sign isn’t it, when a woman gets all glammed up? Wait don’t answer that, I don’t want to know that in the Yukon women put ferns on their heads to look hot, or that lipstick has a ritual significance or whatever. In the land of the American way, it means she’s into me.”
He was just going to have to get used to Ray being in a relationship and not let his selfish desires cloud their friendship. And if that meant listening to Ray enthuse about how wonderful Kate was after each date, well, members of the RCMP were trained to endure hardship and he would be glad that Ray was happy.
He would.
“You think I should ask her out again tonight? Nah, that’s too soon, even I know that. But I could call her, right? Just to check in, chat a bit, see if she wants to go dancing sometime this week - she likes dancing too, isn’t that great? Fraser? Yo, Mountie-man! You in there?”
Ah, Ray had actually required an answer to that question and he was starting to fidget impatiently at Fraser’s continued silence.
“Yes Ray, that is good. I know how much you enjoy dancing and I’m glad that you and Miss Manfred are getting along so well.”
Ray grinned at him, apparently satisfied with this answer despite Fraser feeling like he’d forced it out through a layer of rock, and began talking about their current case, spinning theories and dubious commentaries on the people involved in his usual tangled manner. Fraser made himself relax and pay attention. This was how things were going to be from now on.
He was Ray’s friend, and that was all. He would stop wishing for more and he would not let his eyes wander anymore, no matter how Ray’s posture occasionally seemed to invite his gaze.
***
After a few weeks, it appeared he had been right about how things would go. Ray had initially been nervous and uncertain about how to act as he and Kate continued to date, but had gradually calmed down. Fraser had found his shyness rather sweet until he forcibly reminded himself that a platonic male friend wouldn’t think such things.
But aside from that lapse, it was enjoyable to watch Ray relax. Fraser was relieved to find that he could be glad Ray was smiling and happy even while he regretted not being the cause of Ray’s obvious high spirits. Though since Ray’s good mood meant that they were getting along better than ever before, Fraser felt the loss of his companionship outside of work even more keenly than he had expected to.
He had anticipated that Ray would be spending most of his leisure hours with Kate but after months of having Ray essentially all to himself it was difficult to adjust to being lonely once more.
Ray, with typical generosity and probably guessing that he was at a loose end, did usually insist on Fraser accompanying them on an outing about once a week – casual meals out or trips that somehow involved the outdoors mostly. Kate never seemed to mind his presence but Fraser felt like he was intruding. He couldn’t relax, partly because of that but mostly due to a worry that he would somehow give away his attraction to Ray and continuing jealousy of Kate.
Ray always appeared a little anxious himself when Fraser had joined them. It was obvious he wanted Kate and Fraser to get along and Fraser would usually find himself reassuring Ray afterwards that he did indeed find Kate to be a delightful woman.
It wasn’t even a lie; if she hadn’t been involved with Ray, Fraser probably would have liked her a great deal.
All in all, he much preferred the few times he and Ray had found time to do something on their own as they used to. Tonight for instance they were watching ice hockey while Ray drank beer and Diefenbaker made rude comments about various players’ stick control, and Fraser could almost forget that anything had changed.
Though he could have done without Ray’s newfound zeal for matchmaking.
“Cmon Fraser. Kate thinks you’d really like her friend. Says she’s really into conservation and anthro-whosit. Y’know, other cultures and all that stuff, you’d have a lot to talk about. Not that you ever have problems with talking buddy, but things in common are good.”
Ray leant forward, waving his bottle of beer for emphasis and making the case for the friend for the third time. It would have been annoying if it wasn’t for the concern and affection in Ray’s eyes. Instead it was merely a poignant reminder that what Fraser really needed to make him happy was completely out of his reach.
“Ray, I appreciate that you mean well, but I really don’t think it would be a good idea.”
“But why not Fraser?” Ray threw up his hands and jumped off the couch to pace. “I know you’re lonely, I know that, and it sucks. I know that cos I was lonely too, but I did something about it and you don’t ever even seem to try and I don’t get that. I know you liked that Morse chick and I know that didn’t work out so well, but there are other nice women out there. Hell, half the women in Chicago throw themselves at your feet on a daily basis, it’s not like it would be difficult for you to catch one every so often.”
It was too much to hope that Ray would let this go. Fraser was going to have to say something. He would just have to be careful not to give too much away.
“I know that most people think I’m rather naïve, Ray, but I am aware when someone “throws themself”, as you put it. If I’m honest, I find such forwardness off-putting. Since they know nothing about me, it implies a degree of casualness towards liaisons that I am uncomfortable with, and I much prefer to form relationships from a basis of friendship.”
Ray sat back down, facing towards him as he gave his hesitant answer. He frowned, rolling an empty bottle between his hands before pinning Fraser to his seat with a sharp look. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense for you, but it still doesn’t explain why you won’t give this girl a chance, Frase. You can’t form anything from being friends if you never go out and make friends with people, can you?”
Oh dear. Ray could be so stubborn. He was going to have to use a larger portion of the truth, hard as it was and trust that Ray would not interpret it correctly.
“No, you’re right,” he agreed. “But you see Ray, I don’t want to look for anyone to be with because I’m still in love with someone else.”
“Oh,” said Ray, surprised. He was quick to make connections as always though and surprise turned rapidly to comprehension and sympathy. “Oh. Yeah, I guess I heard about that. I mean, not that anyone was gossiping or anything. But I can see why you’d want to hold off on things for a bit after… and I’m going to shut up now.”
He reached out and squeezed Fraser’s shoulder once, hard, nodded his head and bounced out of his seat to get Fraser another mug of tea.
Fraser felt rather guilty about manipulating him that way, but it was far better than risking their friendship with the whole truth and he certainly welcomed the sympathy, however erroneous.
***
Something was up with Fraser. He was acting weird. Even for him, which was really saying something when you thought about it. He hadn’t told a badly timed Inuit story for ages, he was only half-heartedly snapping at Dief and most of the time he seemed somewhere really far away. Work was okay, he was still like the Einstein of detectives, but anything outside and he’d just stopped connecting.
It was making Ray feel eerily like just before he’d got his marching orders from Stella, and he hated it.
A’course, Fraser wouldn’t admit anything was up, oh no. Probably if a meteor landed on him and ripped both his fool Mountie legs off in their itchy pants, Fraser would still be insisting he was fine while he lay on the ground and bled to death.
Ray had tried to find out, subtly of course. Only that hadn’t worked – never was something he was really good at – so he asked flat out instead. And if he’d written down Fraser’s answer beforehand and used witnesses, he could have claimed to have ESP, because what did Frase say?
“I’m fine, Ray.”
Bingo! Ray, the Psychic Friends Network needs you.
Not that Ray left it like that. Nope, he’d prodded and pushed like any buddy would when their best friend and partner was moping about like someone had got permanent marker on his best dress tunic. And Fraser had stonewalled and played dumb and said he didn’t know what Ray was referring to until Ray was getting real tempted to give him something to seriously complain about, like a broken neck.
The last time Ray had tried to bring it up though, Fraser had given him the We Are Not Amused Look, which was similar enough to the We Are Pretending We’re Not Amused Look to have been confusing when Ray had first met him. Normally, Ray would have just kept going with whatever he’d found produced either Look until Frase either got sarcastic or had to stop pretending, but there was just enough of the You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry Look mixed in to make him back off this time. Making Fraser pissed at him wouldn’t solve anybody’s problem and would just make Ray unhappy instead.
Plus he was still feeling a bit bad about that confession he’d pushed out of the guy by trying to sort out his love life. He knew exactly how much it wasn’t fun to love someone who wasn’t there – physically, emotionally, whatever – and it was probably worse for Frase who didn’t let many people close in the first place and who really hated talking about how he felt.
It was round about then that he’d noticed Fraser was going all quiet on him. Ray’d thought for a bit that it was because of the heartbreak-thing, but that didn’t actually make sense since Ms-Unrepentant-Criminal had been making like a fugitive since long before they’d met and Fraser must be used to it by now.
Then he’d thought, wait, maybe it makes sense if it’s a new love and Fraser doesn’t think it’s requited, and been all smug that he’d cracked the code. Until he’d remembered that a) Frase had said “still in love” and b) he couldn’t imagine anyone not requiting Fraser (and after their chat Ray was fairly sure Fraser would actually have noticed), and that shot that little theory down.
Finally, Ray’d decided that it was probably just him being stupid and stirring up Fraser’s feelings and then rubbing it in by being all couple-y with Kate around him. He didn’t like that idea at all, no he didn’t want to be the person hurting Frase, but it seemed to fit the evidence all right. Maybe if he just stopped…
Whoa. Hold it right there, Kowalski. He had not just thought about breaking up with his sexy, fun girlfriend to make his best friend feel better. That was just dumb.
And it wouldn’t work anyway. You can’t put cats back into bags once they’re out, and Ray knew that for a fact because he’d tried it with his neighbour’s when he was a kid and he could still see the scars.
Kate was great. Kate was a Good Thing that had happened to him. What was he doing even thinking about letting that go for the teeniest, tiniest second? She was smart – not scary-smart like Stella and Fraser, but switched on and good at her job and all that, and she liked Ray. She’d gone to Catholic school too so she knew a lot of really dirty jokes about nuns and she had a wicked laugh. Wicked other things as well, and wasn’t it good to get that bounce back in his step again.
Didn’t feel so bouncy when he thought about Fraser being unhappy though. He’d just have to try and be more of a friend. Not really the same thing, he knew that, but at least he wouldn’t be worrying about Fraser brooding in the Consulate all on his own all the time.
Okay, that made Fraser sound like a Gothic hero (not that Ray knew about that, only Frannie had been going on about some reading club she was in) and that was stupid. The Consulate didn’t even have any gargoyles and he didn’t just hang about on Canadian soil, he went out to the library and concerts and stuff and he saw a lot of the other tenants from his burnt apartment block.
Only… Ray knew he usually went to the concerts alone, the library wasn’t exactly known for its party atmosphere and the ex-tenants treated him more like an agony aunt and mediation service than a friend.
He could make some more dates with the three of them hanging out, maybe.
Though he didn’t think any of them really had much fun when he did that. Noone was real chatty. Fraser was far too polite and he was fairly sure Kate was uncomfortable. She hadn’t complained exactly, or not much anyway, but she’d let on the other day that she found Fraser hard to talk to and when Ray had said that Frase got easier and that he was his best friend, she’d raised an eyebrow like she didn’t get why.
That kind of surprised Ray – normally people seemed to wonder why Fraser was friends with him, not the other way around – and it kind of pissed him off too because Frase was a great guy underneath all the Mountie stuff.
Things had got a bit strained on that date.
So he’d just have to find more time to do the stuff him and Fraser used to do after work. Be supportive. Hang out a bit more, no Kate or talking about her and reminding Fraser he was on his own.
And find a way to do that without neglecting Kate, either.
Oh yeah, should be a piece of cake, Kowalski.
***
When he was a little kid, Ray had been taken to a magic show and there had been this guy spinning plates and every time he got one going nice and smooth, one of the others would start wobbling so he spent all his time hopping up and down the line like a squirrel on speed.
Ray knew exactly how that guy must have felt. He hadn’t realised just how much time he had been spending with Fraser outside of work until he’d started trying to divide up his time between Frase and Kate. Turns out when he looked back, they’d eaten together practically every night and when they had days off they’d always seemed to find something to do then too.
Hell, he’d spent less time with Stella the last few years they were married and they’d lived together. Which explains why Ray had kept feeling like he was missing something when he’d first started seeing Kate, he was too used to the person he hung out with being Mountie-shaped.
Trying to get back to that would have impossible. Kate was great, but no girlfriend was going to react well to “Honey, do you mind if we see each other without actually seeing each other at all for a while?”
So he’d tried splitting things as evenly as he could; having dinner with Fraser and Kate on alternate days, spending his free mornings with Frase and Dief and his nights with Kate.
That didn’t really work out so well. It was pretty tiring and he had to keep thinking up reasonable explanations for Fraser for why he wasn’t with Kate instead of him so the guy wouldn’t think Ray was pitying him. It wasn’t really lying, but noone like thinking someone was sorry for them and he wasn’t anyway, just a bit concerned.
He’d had a bit of a bust up with Kate about it already, he didn’t want Frase mad at him too. When he’d called to ask her out the other night, she’d said, all sarcastic, “Why, is Fraser busy that night?” and when Ray had said he didn’t know, and what was that supposed to mean, she’d said something about Ray wanting to spend time with Fraser more than with her.
It had taken Ray over an hour, lots of flowers and some serious spade work to persuade her that he really did want to be with her.
He’d had to explain about Frase acting down too, which made him feel a bit guilty like he was giving up Fraser’s secrets, but if he hadn’t he’d probably never have convinced her that he was just worrying about his friend and not brushing her off.
She’d given him the weirdest look when he’d told her why he was worried, like she didn’t know whether to kiss him or whap him on the head.
“Ray, you’re a sweet guy. It’s one of the reasons I like you, but you have to live your own life, not Fraser’s,” she’d said.
Well he knew that. But that didn’t mean he had to desert the guy, did it?
Anyway, right now he was hanging with his buds, Frase and Dief, so Ray wasn’t going to have to work so hard tonight. Not unless Fraser was going to spring a pop test on the curling rules he’d spent five loooong minutes explaining while Ray totally zoned out with his beer.
Hmm. Fraser. Frase. Constable Fraser.
Why did noone ever use his first name? Not even him, and he was as close as anyone currently in the state. Maybe Vecchio had called him Benton, but Frannie sure didn’t so maybe not.
That was kind of weird. He wouldn’t like it if everyone called him Kowalski, but maybe Fraser preferred it. Or maybe noone had ever asked the guy and he was too polite to say, and some friend Ray was for not even thinking about it until now.
“Frase, how come noone ever uses your first name?”
So Ray’d never been tactful and it didn’t seem like he was going to start anytime soon. Fraser looked a bit taken aback but he didn’t sound offended at having the curling interrupted.
“I don’t know, Ray. I don’t think I’ve ever really considered the matter. My father and grandparents called me Benton, of course, but most people seem to prefer using Fraser and I have no particular objections.”
No particular objections. Huh. Sounded like that might translate into he didn’t like it much. Ray fiddled about with peeling the beer label off, trying to think what to say next until a thought occurred.
“Most people? I never heard anyone call you anything else.”
That got an uncomfortable look from Frase. “Ray, that is Ray Vecchio, used to call me Benny.”
Benny?
“But you’re nothing like a Benny,” Ray blurted. Benny’s were cute and puppyish and ten, not stubborn, sarcastic and independent like Frase. Benton suited him a lot better, but Ray wasn’t sure he’d ever be easy saying it, it was just so formal sounding. Like another surname or something.
Frase blinked at his outburst, but he also smiled slightly. “I have to confess that I never particularly felt like a Benny either, but obviously Ray thought the name fitted.”
“And you never said you didn’t like it? Nah, of course you didn’t.”
“It truly didn’t seem important. May I ask what brought this line of questioning on?”
Fraser – Benton – was watching him curiously now so Ray started tearing the beer label into tiny pieces so he could avoid those sharp blue eyes. Why was he suddenly going on about this?
“I dunno. It just seemed a bit weird that I was calling you Fraser or Frase all the time. I mean, you’re my best friend. And maybe you liked being called Fraser as much as I like people calling me Stanley and it just didn’t feel very friendly that I didn’t know.”
“Oh.”
Okay, now Ray felt like a total idiot. But when he sneaked a glance at Frase, he was smiling and he sounded pretty happy.
“I have actually always had a preference for Ben. My grandparents did not use shortened names, but I always liked it. If you wanted, you could use that instead.”
Ben. Greatness. One syllable, easier than Benton and definitely warmer than Fraser. He grinned at Frase… Ben. Have to remember to use it now.
“Cool, that’s cool. So, Ben, do you want more tea?”
“Yes, Ray, I’d like that very much,” Ben smiled back at him and Ray couldn’t resist ruffling his hair as he went past.
He wouldn’t have done that to Fraser, but with Ben it seemed as natural as breathing.
***
la, la la, missing section, what missing section?
***
“Yeah, that whole Victoria thing sounds like it was rough…hey wait a minute. You said she was the second person you’d loved?”
“Ah…” Oh dear. Fraser really should have paid more attention to what he was saying.
Ray had the strangest expression, hovering somewhere between annoyance and amusement. “You let me think you were still in love with her didn’t you, so I’d get off your back about Kate’s buddy. That was sneaky Frase, I didn’t know you had it in you. But I swear you were telling the truth when you said you were in love with someone…”
Ray was frankly staring at him now, puzzled and curious and to his horror, Fraser felt himself begin to flush. He should never have gone along with this conversation; Ray was far too perceptive and knew him much too well.
All at once Ray’s eyes went very wide, and Fraser decided that Mountie honour be damned, this was one confrontation he really wanted to run away from.
“Good Lord, is that the time? I really have to get back now, Ray. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He didn’t quite carry off the breezy tone he had aimed for, but he was on his feet and heading for the door, safety in reach until Ray caught his arm in a tight grip.
“Ben?” he said, soft and unsure.
Benton Fraser had done a lot of dangerous things, but turning to face Ray right then took more courage than anything before.
***
nothing to see here (literally), move it along now
***
It was weird how them dating hadn’t really seemed to change anything that much. They still got all the weirdest cases at work (Ben attracted the nuts like a magnet, just walking down the street they could end up in the middle of a freakshow), Ray still got told off for giving Dief donuts and they still spent most of their time arguing the toss over every little thing just for the fun of it.
Fraser called it discussing, but that’s cos he was Canadian. Ray figured calling it flirting would be more accurate, because now that they were together they usually ended whatever the argument was about by kissing and Ray was all over that.
When he looked back, it was pretty clear that it had always been flirting too, only he’d never realised so they’d never got to the kisses back then. Fraser should have clued him in a lot quicker; they could have been making out for months.
He supposed that was the real difference: a lot more smooching went on now.
Most nights, Ben would come back to the apartment, they’d get some food and walk Dief, and then they’d end up sprawled in a tangle across the couch getting jiggy with it, just like they were now.
It was really good too. Ben kissed like nobody else and he’d found all the hotspots on Ray’s neck and ears straight off – he could reduce Ray to a horny puddle in about five minutes now – but they were still just hanging around the bases and Ray was starting to pant for a home run.
Trouble was, Ben wasn’t cooperating. They’d make out and grope and wriggle about until they were both making some serious noise and Ray was about ready to go off like a rocket.
And then Ben would pull back.
They’d talk and kiss a bit more, but Ben would be cooling it down and then he’d have to leave and Ray would go to bed and jerk off alone.
He’d appreciated Ben’s restraint to start with, because, hello, Ray’d never done any of this with a man before and it was a little scary. He’d taken a little time to get used to the differences and Ben had given him that.
But there was such a thing as too much time. Ray hadn’t had balls this blue since he’d been in high school. It was time to push things a little and find out what was going on in his Mountie’s head.
***
Oh, this was delicious.
Fraser didn’t think he would ever be able to get enough of the way Ray felt under his hands and mouth. He responded so eagerly and made such delightful noises that it took all Fraser’s will power some nights to pull back.
But it was better that he did, better not to rush in too far and commit some irrevocable act before Ray was truly ready. It seemed like he had overcome his initial hesitancy but it was always possible that he would change his mind. After all, Ray was new to this and Fraser would just have to be strong and give him all the space he needed.
Taking a deep fortifying breath, Fraser pulled his hands from Ray’s hair and thigh, untangled Ray’s hands from trying to remove his shirt and sat up.
Ray reached up after him, but when Fraser caught his hands he slumped back, his face twisting in frustration. “C’mon Ben, are you trying to torture me to death? Why’d you stop?”
“I… we’re moving too fast. I’m sorry, Ray, I don’t want to push you. We should wait until you’re ready.”
“Ready? I’m ready, steady, go here, buddy. I’m so ready I’m about to poke a hole straight through my jeans, and wow, you’re looking pretty damn ready too there.”
Fraser swallowed hard as Ray’s eyes slid down his body to the obvious bulge in his own jeans, and forced himself to look away from Ray’s heated expression. This was the right thing to do, he had to remember that.
“Or maybe you’re not. Is that the problem here, Frase?” Fraser looked up to find Ray scrubbing both hands through his hair and frowning. “Cos I don’t get this. I’m good to go, you’re good to go but we’re not going anywhere except round in circles. I thought you wanted me.”
“I do, Ray, very much.” How could Ray possibly think otherwise?
Ray was glaring at him now, arms wrapped around himself protectively. “So what’s the hold up?”
“It’s too soon, that’s all. You need more time.”
“No. No, I don’t. I’m sure, Ben, but you aren’t, are you? You’re afraid we’re going to get all hot and heavy, or heavier, and then I’m going to wake up and be all “no, no, vile seducer, don’t forget your hat on the way out”, right?”
Well, that was just… frighteningly accurate. Fraser squirmed uneasily.
“Ah, well I’d hope very much that you wouldn’t.” He winced at the expression on Ray’s face, which managed to convey rather eloquently how little Ray was impressed with his answer.
“Hope’s not the same thing as belief, though, is it? For fuck’s sake Fraser…” By now Ray was on his feet and glaring down at him. “Look, I can’t make you trust me. You’ve got to make the leap yourself, and it doesn’t have to be right here right now, cos I can wait, but if you’re never going to do it then what are we even doing here?”
For once, Fraser found he had nothing to say. He simply sat with all the uncertainties he hadn’t even realised he’d had crowding into his throat and looked at his partner, seeing anger turn into a tired resignation before Ray dropped his head and scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Forget it,” he sighed, “it’s late and I’m going to hit the sack.” He leaned down and kissed Fraser, very gently. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” And then he was gone, the door to his bedroom closing quietly behind him.
***
“Ray, I’m sorry,” said Fraser. He sounded it too, he was all sorry-eyes and his voice was just a little gentler than normal.
Ray couldn’t listen to any more. He’d known this was coming and Fraser would try and drag it out, be all discursive when Ray just wanted to hide and put his guts back in to place. If he wanted a quick rip, Ray would have to do it himself.
He couldn’t look at Ben while he did it though, so he turned away to the window as he spoke, trying not to sound too upset and make it harder for Frase.
“Not your fault, Fraser. You don’t have to… I get it. We’ll just be friends again, it’s okay.”
Silence from the Mountie corner of the room. Ray couldn’t blame Fraser for not having anything to say to that, he didn’t believe they could go back to how it was either. He was just working up the nerve to turn round and try and convince them both it was better than losing everything when Fraser’s arms wrapped around him tightly from behind and he jumped in surprise.
“Fraser?”
“You misunderstand me, Ray” and given the way Ben was leaning into him, pulling him even closer so there was solid heat all down his back and he felt like he was wearing a coat of Fraser, maybe things weren’t that bad after all. “I was apologising for having become so habitually self-protective that I didn’t even realise what I was doing, not trying to break up with you.”
“Oh. Good.” Thank fuck. “So, we’re still…”
“While I am capable of as many mistakes in relationships as the next man, I would have to be irredeemably stupid to let you go now I’ve finally got you.”
That sounded pretty definite. And really amazingly good.
“So all that time I just spent worrying about how to be all sensitive and let you off the hook was totally wasted, huh?”
Ben’s laugh shook them both and Ray got a tight squeeze and a kiss just below his ear before Ben spoke again, sounding amused.
“Well I’m afraid so, Ray. But I do appreciate the effort.”
Ray grinned and tipped his head back so Ben could do more of that throat-nuzzling thing he’d started. Looked like everything was back on track.
***
Fraser let his hands linger at Ray’s belt and looked up, seeing a nervousness and anticipation equal to his own.
“Ray?” he asked, needing to know if Ray was still sure.
“Yeah, I’m good Ben. Keep going,” Ray said.
Slowly, Fraser unbuttoned, unzipped, and peeled Ray out of his last items of clothing. He managed the task purely by feel, unwilling to look away from Ray’s face and miss the way his eyes went unfocused and then closed as Fraser’s fingers brushed against hard, hot flesh when he undid the fly of Ray’s jeans, or the way Ray licked his lips and drew in a breath when Fraser’s hands slid into the sides of his boxers and pushed them down.
He guided Ray to step back out of the clothes and towards the bed. Ray’s eyes opened again as Fraser eased him down onto the mattress, Ray’s gaze following Fraser’s hands as he rapidly stripped himself.
Fraser felt a moment of trepidation at the rather stunned expression on Ray’s face as he looked at Fraser’s erection – if Ray were going to have second thoughts, being faced with the incontrovertible evidence of Fraser’s maleness would likely do it – but as soon as Fraser was close enough, Ray reached up and drew him into a passionate kiss and Fraser was soon unable to spare any concentration to worry about it.
Ray was a very good kisser and if he kept caressing Fraser’s back and chest like that, Fraser would not be answerable for the consequences.
He had thought quite carefully about how he wanted this to be. It would not be rushed and he would not lose control in the first five minutes of Ray touching him and ravish the man.
He pulled back, catching Ray’s shoulders to stop him from following, and simply sat and looked for a time. It seemed unreal that Ray should finally be here with him, naked and willing. He’d dreamed, he’d imagined this many times but finally being able to see showed all his dreams up as pale shadows.
He could have stared much longer without being satisfied, but Ray was flushing red and twisting away, hands twitching after the sheets.
“Jesus, Ben, stare much?”
He sounded calm but he wasn’t meeting Fraser’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Ray, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“Nah, just y’know, I’m kind of out of my league here. I mean, you’re gorgeous like a movie star and I’m just a skinny guy, so I guess the contrast is worth a stare –“
Fraser kissed him before he could finish the sentence, deciding that was the most pleasurable way to stop Ray’s train of thought. If Ray truly didn’t realise how attractive he was, Fraser was simply going to have to convince him.
He broke off the kiss and nuzzled round to whisper in his ear, “Lovely, Ray, you’re lovely,” and when Ray gasped, he kissed him again, soft and slow and as tender as he could manage, trying to pour into it all his desire and devotion.
When the kiss ended, Ray was wrapped around him and sighing “Ben”, all discomfort apparently forgotten. Fraser seemed to feel Ray’s warm skin everywhere, the heat pooling between their bodies both soothing and exciting him.
***
Ben’s finger just pushed right on into him and, God, that felt so strange and it ached only it was good-ache and bad-ache at the same time so Ray didn’t know whether to pull away or push back and he ended up just panting into Ben’s neck and shaking. Ben kept on touching him, moving in and out and stroking and it was definitely more good-ache now and he was whimpering a little with it, wet from the lube and, fuck, feeling like he was opening up.
Ben’s other hand wrapped round his dick, just keeping him hot and Ray pushed into the loose grasp and back onto the finger, only it was two now and that was too much, too much. Right until Ben did something amazing and suddenly two were just perfect and more and again would be better, but he was down to just vowels now. And it seemed like his body had the same idea because without Ray even thinking it he could feel himself squeeze Ben’s fingers tight, trying to get them to that place again, and Ben’s deep groan got all mixed up with his own.
“Dear Lord, Ray, you’re so tight. I’m not…not hurting?”
The man actually sounded anxious underneath all the turned on. You’d think all the languages he spoke he wouldn’t have any trouble translating the moans as good, good, good. The deep breath Ray took forced another one out of him before he could get his tongue to work, “Nnnn. Not hurting. Good, really, really good. Do not ever stop that.”
Oh, yeah. Fingers moving again and Ben had the rhythm going now and it was just so good the way Ben licked and rubbed all over Ray’s neck, up and around his ear. “Ray, can I…” and Ray was nodding before he finished because he’d agree to anything right now, “…see? I want to be able to see.”
Oh holy God. Just like that, Ray knew what it must look like: Ben’s fingers sliding into him easily, so easy now and him pushing back into every touch. He went red-hot all over at just the thought but he’d already agreed and Ben had shifted them, moving round behind him and guiding Ray down onto the bed and he let Ben do it, let his legs spread wider and his ass lift up and he shook all over at the sounds Ben made when he did and Ben’s fingers sliding back in had him bucking up helplessly. It was hot, so hot and he was so close all his muscles were trembling with it and it was going to take about two more of those perfect touches before he exploded, one more touch and Ben’s other hand had found a way to wrap tight and wonderful around his dick again and Ray was making this weird yowling noise into the sheets as his bones tried to shake right out of his body and he came and came.
He’d barely collapsed onto the bed in a twitching sweaty puddle when he felt Ben moving over him, hard heat thrusting between his thighs in time to frantic groans. When he closed them a little, trying to make it better, Ben muffled a yell against the back of his neck and flattened Ray to the mattress and he could feel Ben’s come wet against his balls and if he hadn’t just come his own brains out he would have been getting revved up again from knowing he’d made Ben that turned on.
But since his dick was currently pretty much dead to the world, he’d settle for enjoying the afterglow and Ben’s warm panting weight all along his back.
And I'm done.
