fic meme

[janne_d]

by way of kijikun: Ask me any question about any of my stories/'verses/Au's, whether past or future or unwritten scenes and I will answer. This even includes the future of some verses that may potentially be spoilery. If you're really nice, I'll give you a snippet

Because I haven't written anything for a while and I could do with getting back in the way of it.

Comments

[sally_maria]

I love your Merlin stories, and I'm always hoping you'll write more, so if I can do anything to encourage you, I'd be really happy.

Having just included In Turning We Come Around Right in a new season rec list, I'd love to know what Arthur was thinking - was he already in love with Merlin, but this gave him an excuse to let him act on it, at least a little, or had the idea not even occurred to him until he realised how good Merlin was with his hands. :-)

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

Oh cool - thank you very much for the rec. I fully intend to write more Merlin btw, I just need to get throught the epic AU I started (but sadly couldn't finish in time) for the Big Bang.

And that is an interesting question - I think I'm going to have to read through it again myself to try and remember what I had in mind for Arthur. It was quite deliberate for Merlin not to get what Arthur was thinking, I remember that much! So I will get back to you on this when I've had a little think.

[sally_maria]

Thank you very much.

I really don't want to be that fan who's always demanding that her favourite writers write more, now, but I'm very glad that you haven't lost the inspiration altogether. I look forward to reading the AU - I love long, plotty stories, but I'm well aware that they don't appear overnight.

I hope that the new series (Arthur with no shirt on) will provide further incentive. ;-)

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

I really don't want to be that fan who's always demanding that her favourite writers write more, now,

Don't worry - you don't come off as demanding at all. And I really wish long plotty stories did appear overnight! I'm hoping the new series will get me going on it again - and let's face it, shirtless Arthur can't hurt ;-)

Anyway, to get back to your question, how Arthur is thinking/feeling goes something like this:

He starts out as completely freaked out by his transformation, which in Arthur initially manifests as temper. Freaked out and worrying about the consequences if he doesn't turn back actually underlies just about everything else in the fic for Arthur, but he's also trying very hard to keep a lid on that as much as possible.

The first time they touch is down to Arthur losing it a little - he's frustrated, angry and off-balance and when he catches Merlin apparently ogling him he wants to push, make Merlin as uncomfortable and off-balance as he is. What Arthur is expecting is for Merlin to be as mortified as he had been at trying to help Arthur undress before and for him to flee. But of course Merlin doesn't back down like Arthur had intended, so that rocks Arthur a bit and then it catches Arthur totally off-guard how good Merlin touching him feels - hence him backing off so suddenly and telling Merlin to leave.

Now, the thing is, Arthur is a very physical person. And he's cooped up all that night and the next day which is plenty of time to get bored, restless and reckless enough to decide to experiment and see what else might feel good. Arthur also isn't unaware of knights giving each other a helping hand occasionally though he's always steered clear of it himself to avoid showing favouritism. But Merlin is safe and Arthur feels in some way that Merlin getting him off will tip the balance between them back in his favour after he broke first the previous night - not that Arthur isn't intending to return the favour, but he's damn well going to get Merlin to concede to wanting it first and so get control back. Except, again, it doesn't go like Arthur expects. Instead of some casual relief, he gets something intense and new and Merlin treating him like a lover, and Arthur realises when Merlin moves in for the kiss that he wants that, he wants Merlin and it is a revelation he is not at all prepared for, certainly not on top of the stress of everything else. So he kicks Merlin out again in a panic.

Arthur's thoughts part 2

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

By the time Merlin gets back the next morning, Arthur has been up all night and would be feeling several miles outside of his comfort zone even if he was still a man. Since he's not, he's feeling even more mixed up and vulnerable (not to mention increasingly trapped by the rest of the situation) and that's why he lashes out. I think by that point he is also already subconsciously thinking that Merlin only wants him as a woman because there is definitely some bitter there.

But since Arthur is Arthur after all, he gets control of himself and apologises. By then he's also pretty much given up on being turned back and is trying to resign himself to the idea - he is already looking forward to what is going to happen when it is revealed to everyone else and he's kind of steeling himself up for it despite Merlin's attempts at reassurance.

When Merlin finds him masturbating, that is really Arthur trying to distract himself by indulging in a slightly guilty, angsty fantasy that at least as a woman he could have Merlin for a little while. Arthur goes along with Merlin touching him again and does get Merlin off in return this time because he's shoring up good memories for what he thinks is coming, even though he feels like he's taking advantage of Merlin in a way. And afterwards, Arthur's getting ready to give up that little bubble of happiness and tell Merlin to get his father - and that's when Merlin reveals that he can turn Arthur back. (Incidentally, in the longer, angstier version that currently only exists in my head, Merlin doesn't find a way to reverse it and this is when Arthur does give up and let Uther know.)

So that is pretty much it - Arthur acts weird about being turned back, even though he desperately wants to turn back, because he thinks it means no more Merlin and he's just realised he wants Merlin very badly. The kiss is the last thing Arthur allows himself to have, and then he changes back and pines away until Merlin catches on. The end!

Man, I just realised Arthur is a complete angsty woobie through all of that fic, poor thing.

Re: Arthur's thoughts part 2

[sally_maria]

Thank you very much - that's a lovely long answer.

Poor Arthur is definitely suffering, and it's not that you can't see that in the original, but the way it's filtered through Merlin (and his hormones) makes it much more subtle.

I think that's one of the things I love about the story, the way that it feels so realistic (given a universe in which magic gender changes exist) - the attention to the political implications and the existing character dynamic.

Anyway, I'll stop distracting you and go back to lurking - I hope you enjoy the new season. :-)